What it Means to Be
by sparklehunter
Summary: Tsunade’s reconciling what she did to Iruka, Iruka’s reconciling his entire life, and Naruto’s reconciling his dreams as a ninja. Kakairu. Part Three of 'Worth Something' Up. Sequel to Betrayal
1. Shinobi

Title: What it Means to Be

Author: Sparklehunter

Warnings: Light shounen-ai, angst

Summary: Tsunade's reconciling what she did to Iruka, Iruka's reconciling his entire life, and Naruto's reconciling his skills as a ninja.

Part: Shinobi, 1/4

Author's Note: Please review. I'm getting nervous that the only one reading is Chibi-akuma-no-kage-sama, and discouraged enough to send her the rest and forget about it here. I don't want to beg (or threaten) for reviews, but I'm getting scared. Please?

Author's Note II: seven point ohin a series of snapshots about the aftermath of an almost-death. Sequel to _Betrayal_.

**What it Means to Be**

**Shinobi**

by sparklehunter

"_You're a Shinobi_," says Hokage.

Even Tsunade has to agree with the disgust in her tone. It's her fault, the entire situation (the part of her that is Hokage says she did the right thing, but it still hurts to watch Iruka wheel down the street) but Iruka still sulks, his eyes dark and despairing, and it makes her feel so guilty and stricken that she wants to scream. Iruka has made no effort to get over his injury, she thinks. He just sits there and sinks deeper into his own skin. Hokage wishes he could teach, Tsunade thinks that would pull Iruka out of his shell and back to himself, but twenty armed children seem unrealistic for a man who's banished to a chair for the rest of his life.

"I know, Hokage," Iruka says, and Tsunade sees the anger he's hiding in his eyes.

Tsunade thinks that Iruka needs to let the anger and hate and pain she sees in him out before he can truly heal. Iruka refuses to acknowledge his anger. Hokage had hoped that sending Kakashi back to war (where he is was always will be desperately needed) would force a reaction from Iruka, but the days pass and she sees no change.

"Do you?" Hokage asks. "What have you done for the village, in the last four months?"

_You're a Shinobi_, she thinks, and hopes he will understand what she can't say.

Iruka stares at her, something stirring in his eyes; she catches her breath and hopes for passion and a will to live.

"I let Kakashi go," Iruka says, and the life dies into embers of hate.

Tsunade mentally sways at that – it hurts to hear him hate her, hate Kakashi, need Kakashi – but Hokage just snorts. "What have you done, I asked? Not what has Kakashi given up to be a Shinobi, but what have you done?"

Iruka bites his lips and draws blood; his eyes die a little bit more. "What else can I do, Hokage? Teach – I can't teach ninjas, not crippled. Translate scrolls? You have half a dozen Shinobi who are ten times the cryptographers. Plan attacks and strategies? I don't have the clearance, Hokage."

Hokage snorts. "That's the coward –"

"– Hokage!" says a messenger, breathless, blood masking his left eye. "Hokage, it's about Naruto!" He's barely standing, and Hokage realizes he must have run from the front lines.

"What about Naruto!" Hokage and Tsunade and Iruka all say at once.

When they realize the implications, Iruka looks shocked and pained and exhilarated, and Hokage feels the war end and her village die.

"Hokage," Iruka says.

Hokage looks at him, and her eyes are old.

"Hokage,_ I'm a Shinobi_," says Iruka.

TBC.


	2. Die Alone

Title: What it Means to Be

Author: Sparklehunter

Warnings: Light shounen-ai, angst

Summary: Tsunade's reconciling what she did to Iruka, Iruka's reconciling his entire life, and Naruto's reconciling dreams.

Part: Die Alone, 2/4

Author's Note: Please review. I'm getting nervous that the only one reading is Chibi-akuma-no-kage-sama, and discouraged enough to send her the rest and forget about it here. I don't want to beg (or threaten) for reviews, but I'm getting scared. Please?

Author's Note II: seven point two five in a series of snapshots about the aftermath of an almost-death. Sequel to _Betrayal/Shinobi_.

**What it Means to Be**

**Die Alone**

by sparklehunter

"_You'll die alone_," says —.

Naruto realizes this.

"What did Konoha ever do for you, Kyuubi?"

Naruto remembers everything.

"Why don't you give up!"

Naruto doesn't flinch when — cuts his arm.

Naruto won't flinch if — cuts off his arm. He's loyal, fatally so, and it gives him a twisted sort of pleasure to know he won't break, — can't break him. He loves Konoha, and all her people (he'll even admit loving Hokage, and Kakashi, and Jiraiya, because he _is_ under torture) and he knows that the village trusts him, relies on him, so he won't break. He has dreams, and he's achieved most of them. He figures that surviving would be good (and he's good enough a ninja that if given a quarter chance, he'll be long gone from this prison camp) but dying won't be the end of his world (or maybe it will, but . . . and maybe he isn't thinking straight), because he's still completely free of the stigma of Kyuubi.

People need him. Konoha needs him. He may not be Hokage, but it sure as hell is the next best thing.

"_You'll die alone_," says —.

The words jar him out of his thoughts, bring him back to dark eyes and foul breath and blood all over. There are seals written in the blood, binding him tight to the prison, binding his strength and the Kyuubi part of his soul. It makes his body feel weak, but he can still think under the layers and layers of bindings. Naruto stares up at — with his eyes bloodshot and blue, glazed from lack of sleep and pain, but still cocky and bright. He manages to wink.

He bites his tongue to keep from screaming when — pours salt into the cuts on his arm.

"Cocky son-of-a-whore. You Konoha bastards must fuckin' like the pain."

— shoves Naruto off the chair he was tied to, signaling the end of the session. — is angry, and Naruto is proud of that, even as he falls onto the floor of his cell, his head cracking on the stone. — kicks him against the wall, and he sees bright flashes of light like sunbursts beneath his eyelids.

He hears footsteps leave his cell, and as the ringing in his ear subsides, he still hears the words echo in his mind:

"_You'll die alone_," but the thought isn't as scary as it should be.

TBC.


	3. Only I

Title: What it Means to Be

Author: Sparklehunter

Warnings: Light shounen-ai, angst

Summary: Tsunade's reconciling what she did to Iruka, Iruka's reconciling his entire life, and Naruto's reconciling his skills as a ninja.

Part: Only I, 3/4

Author's Note: Please review. I'm getting nervous that the only one reading is Chibi-akuma-no-kage-sama, and discouraged enough to send her the rest and forget about it here. I don't want to beg (or threaten) for reviews, but I'm getting scared. Please?

Author's Note II: seven point five in a series of snapshots about the aftermath of an almost-death. Sequel to _Betrayal/Die Alone_.

**What it Means to Be**

**Only I**

by sparklehunter

"_This is something only I can do_," says Iruka.

It isn't a time for smiles, so Iruka looks at her impassively. It isn't a time for tears, so Hokage looks back sternly. It is a time for action, or maybe that's just the assassin in them coming out. Iruka's eyes have a focus Hokage hasn't seen in months. Hokage's eyes have a hope Iruka had seen die the hour before.

Still, she tries to talk him out of it.

"Iruka, you're paralyzed. You can't walk."

"And they won't suspect me."

"You're still recovering from the surgeries!"

"There's hot springs there reputed for its healing powers. It strengthens my story."

"You still need to relearn what your body can handle!"

"I won't need to, not for this. You could say it would be a waste of time."

He smiles at her, just a slight upturning of the corners of his mouth, and his eyes bleed the irony of the situation. The doubt is gone from his eyes, his posture. Iruka's never been the most patient of men, never been able to wait quietly for life to meander along. He always dives straight into situations, goes ahead with an impulsiveness Naruto himself would envy. Time has taught him how to plan, but not how to wait for those plans to ferment. At least, not how to wait gracefully for his plans to ferment. Kakashi and Iruka are similar in that regard.

"_This is something only I can do_," says Iruka.

"Iruka – "

"We need Naruto. He's a symbol in the village. We set him up as a symbol, Hokage, you and Kakashi and I. We've driven him to become the best, so he can achieve his dream, and even if he's –"

"Iruka, I can't –" Hokage says.

"– Even if he's the slowest bastard in the world when it comes to learning lessons, he's still learned those lessons better than any other student. We need him back. Hell, he'll come back as a hero, because he's Naruto." Iruka leaned forward in his wheelchair. Hokage admired the spitfire determination in his eyes.

"Iruka, we're talking exchanging you for him!"

"Well, they certainly won't fall for a bundle of sticks, not for the amount of time it will take to get Naruto out of there."

"And how the hell do you plan to get there?"

"Intelligence said that there's a town just outside the prison. I'll move in, travel by summons, play the disillusioned paralyzed ex-Shinobi. I think I'll be good at it." Iruka smiles, and the smile is cynical. "We need Naruto more than we need me, Hokage. Besides weren't you asking me what I had done for the village a couple of hours ago?"

Dark eyes lock onto hers, and Hokage screams silent victory and loss. Victory, because Iruka is no longer stuck in a self-pitying slump. Loss, because it takes his own death to overcome that slump. She prefers a depressed Iruka to a dead one, and that is where Iruka is going to end up.

"Go undercover into the village, break into the prison, switch places with Naruto, and allow him enough time to escape – you think he'll go along with this, Iruka?"

Iruka gives her a grin. "Naruto understands that the good of the village may cost one person. He'll fight it, but he'll go."

They both understand that, and it hurts both of them. But hasn't she made the choice before? Iruka is expendable . . . and too impatient to wait to find another plan.

"_This is something only I can do_, Hokage. Don't let your personal feelings stop you from saving Konoha," says Iruka.

TBC.


	4. Remember

Title: What it Means to Be

Author: Sparklehunter

Warnings: Light shounen-ai, angst

Summary: Tsunade's reconciling what she did to Iruka, Iruka's reconciling his entire life, and Naruto's reconciling his skills as a ninja.

Part: Remember, 4/4

Author's Note: seven point seven five in a series of snapshots about the aftermath of an almost-death. Sequel to _Betrayal/Only I_.

Author's Note II: Please Review! Even if you want to tell me this part is crap and just _Expendable_ with a different name. There are some hints in here that are important for later, though, so you may want to read anyway . . . . And stop in tomorrow or the next day for part one of_ Worth Something_, called _Hello and Goodbye_, AKA Iruka's goodbye letter to Kakashi.

Author's Note III: A question, the next part has three sections. Should I tack them onto WiMtB, or should I post them as a separate title?

**What it Means to Be**

**Remember**

by sparklehunter

"_Iruka's expendable, remember_?" says Hokage.

She's seated at her desk in her office, watching the sun set and trying to ignore the hardheaded idiots who are second guessing her. She wants to shout that she's Hokage for a reason, dammit, and even if she doesn't really want the job, Konoha is at war and she'll do everything in her power to keep the village safe. Sending Iruka to save the one person who will save Konoha (and Hokage knows it's not positive that Naruto will save Konoha, but the evidence is astounding) may hurt, but pain has never deterred her. She's not about to let it start.

Kurenai opens her mouth to protest. Sakura beats her to it.

"Iruka's not expendable, he's a foundation for both Naruto and Kakashi. If he dies, we could have two of our best Shinobi out of commission for months!" Sakura looks incensed, her pretty green eyes (when had Sakura's eyes grown so old?) blazing. "Naruto's already off kilter because of Sasuke, now you want him to live, knowing Iruka's sacrificed his life for him? And Kakashi –"

"They're Shinobi, Sakura, Kurenai." Hokage finds her voice is glacial, and she feels older than Sakura's eyes, knowing how this scene, and the next, will play out. "And because they're Shinobi, this loss will not destroy them. You think they're not strong enough to survive?"

"I think Kakashi will blame himself for this, Hokage, and you know it. If Kakashi finds out you sent Iruka to die for Naruto –" Kurenai says.

Tsunade stands and slams her hands onto her desk. "If you have the slightest notion how ridiculous you sound, Kurenai, you'd be baring your neck in apology! It is neither of your business what I do, and whether or not I permit Iruka to stage his little rescue mission is no concern to any Shinobi in this village.

"_Iruka's expendable, remember_? He's a paralyzed ninja who's fallen into depression, unable to be of use to the village and wasting our resources," says Hokage.

Sakura pales, but Kurenai turns a deep red from fury as Hokage continues.

"If he succeeds in this last mission – and Iruka has never failed a mission in his life – then he will have lived and died a Shinobi, not a burden, and that is all any of my Shinobi can ask for! He requested this mission, and out of respect for his abilities and relationship with Naruto, and knowing his desire, even injured, to still be a ninja, I let him have his last request. If Naruto and Kakashi cannot respect that, then they'll just have to remember that a Shinobi's duty is first and foremost to Konoha, and that Iruka lives and will die by that oath." Hokage takes a deep breath, and sinks back into her seat as Kurenai tightens her jaw.

It surprises both of them when Sakura is the one who understands.

"I know, Hokage, but – why didn't you let Iruka say goodbye?" Sakura says. Her voice is soft and pleading, and Tsunade realizes that she's grieving, as well.

Tsunade crosses her arms over her chest, and stares at the setting sun. "Iruka didn't want to," she says.

They leave.

Hokage bites her lip and does not say the words because she's sick of justifying her actions. But she thinks them, anyway.

_Iruka's expendable, remember?_

The End

To Be Continued in the next Arc, _Worth Something_

A/N IV --I was going to put in review responces, butI don't have time . . . you'll see them in _Worth Something_, definitely, so review!


	5. Worth Something: Hello and Goodbye

Title: Worth Something

Author: Sparklehunter

Warnings: Shounen-ai, angst

Summary: It's time for goodbyes, but Naruto, Iruka, and Kakashi find themselves unable to let go.

Part: Hello and Goodbye, 1/3

Author's Note: Number eight point oh in a series of snapshots about the aftermath of an almost-death. Sequel to _What it Means to Be/Remember_.

Author's Note II: Please Review! Responses to reviews are at the end - there are more responses than there is story . . . . And stop in tomorrow for part two of _Worth Something_, called _Regrets_!

**Worth Something**

**Hello and Goodbye**

by sparklehunter

_Dear Kakashi, this is hello and goodbye._

You see, I've finally realized that you're right,

and I was being selfish and childish.

He crumples the paper into a ball, and throws it in the wastebasket.

Dear Kakashi, I just wanted to say that I love you, even if I was a

selfish bastard to you the past few months. I wish it

He throws that one out, as well.

Kakashi, I've made it into the village. The people here are absurdly

nice. I live on the ground floor of an apartment building,

and every day the lady upstairs and the landlord stop by to make

sure I don't need anything.

He rips that paper to shreds before tossing it.

Kakashi. I miss you. I'm sorry I was such an ass to you,

when you were trying to help me. I'm sorry it took Naruto's capture

to make me realize that there are little things I can still do. But this isn't

really a little thing, is it? I'm sorry I

He dumps the rest of the notebook in the trash; he's run out of paper.

Dear Kakashi. I was never any good at writing letters, because

it always took too much time. I always wanted to be out there,

doing something. That's why I started teaching Naruto, you know,

so I would be doing something. That's the first this I was attracted

to in you - no, it wasn't your eyes or hair, though they are lovely - it

was how you were always doing something.

He opened the desk drawer and pulled out another sheet of stationary.

Dear Kakashi. I love you. Don't hate me?

He thinks that writing is overrated, and he wishes that he didn't have to.

Dear Kakashi

He throws that out, too.

_Dear Kakashi, this is hello and goodbye. _I've failed the village

by letting myself wallow in self-pity, and I have to make up for it.

Maybe there are other ways to go about this, but this is the fastest.

I can't let Naruto stay here any longer, the entire village can hear

screams from the prison at night, though no one says anything.

I can't let Naruto stay here any more than I could let you

He hesitates before trashing that one, as well, deciding that he's getting better even if it's not getting easier.

Kakashi, you get the black box on our bed. The big one, that I

bought last year? Sakura gets the small blue one - and yes,

it is small, compared to yours. The rest are labeled, so you know who

gets what. It was just - Kakashi, I told you I was giving

Naruto almost everything and

He has to go get another garbage, because the one in the bedroom is full.

My Kakashi. I love you, I'm sorry, don't take this too hard what

the hell am I writing? I love you . . .

He throws out that attempt.

Dear Kakashi,

I'm writing to tell you goodbye. I'll be leaving to finish the mission in the morning,

so I will not see you again. I'm sorry. I know that I should have

discussed this with you, first, but I couldn't wait for you.

I've never had much patience - and you know it, I just don't beg as

quickly as you do - and I was never any good at waiting, where Naruto was

concerned. I always have jumped straight in the thick of things,

especially to protect him.

I love you, Kakashi, more than I've loved anyone in my life. I know you'll

find this annoyingly sappy - we don't say 'I love you' or other sappy prose

very often, do we? I think that was a mistake, because I wish I could tell you forever.

I love you, Kakashi.

I'm inclosing instructions on what to do with my belongings. Most of the

stuff goes to Naruto, but there's a box on my bed that's for you

(you'll remember it, it's the large black one), and another box for

Sakura (small, blue, kind of . . . girly).

Don't let Naruto grieve too long. You two . . . out of all the Shinobi in

Konoha, you and Naruto will go the farthest. I don't know what else to say, Kakashi.

I love you.

Iruka

_Dear Kakashi, this is hello and goodbye . . . ._

TBC

**Review Responses:**

**Umino Megumi**: I mentioned (very briefly) that Iruka got into a fight with a guy with a battle ax. The ax actually ripped a chunk out of his spine, and the medical nins weren't able to fix the damage. You write better in English than I ever did in foreign language classes, so there is no need to apologize! And thank you for the complements, I'm glad you liked my stories!

**Framling**: I originally had the intention to write these so they all could be read independently of each other . . . I gave up two lines into Expendable. And I'm so glad they don't come across as purple. Personally, I'm worried the repetition will get old - I've already noticed, in WiMtB, that the writing quality went down. I re-outlined all the rest of the series after I realized that!

**Polka dot**: Ending this will be hard in the sense that I keep rewriting how I get to the final story. The final story itself is outlined, with notes on phrasing, and the desire to post it is what gets me through slow parts, like the forthcoming Regret. And, of course, the reviews make me smile! As for Kakashi saving the day . . . we'll see. I, personally, am in the mood for a little (ok, a lot) Iruka torture. (cackles madly) Okay, I have to agree . . . reading about miserable people is fun - but sticking them in those situation? Heavenly . . . .

**Buttered-onions**: A happy ending . . . ? What's that? Well, by the end not everyone will be unhappy, I can promise that. I'm sticking Worth Something on the end of WiMtB, because it's only three parts, but the next arc (tentatively titledTorture) (err . . .) will be its own story.

**Ree'rhea**: I won't stop posting, I promise. I just hope people keep reviewing! The idea of Shinobi and their loyalty has intrigued me since I started reading Naruto, which is part of the reason why I wrote this. I make no promises about crying - but just a warning, it does get worse.

**Chibi-akuma-no-kage**: Actually, it never even crossed my mind that Naruto could refuse to leave without Iruka until you mentioned this. Will not write anymore, because that would be spoilers for the . . . angst.

**Christina**: Thank you very much! Mmm, Kakairu is very tasty. . . . I hope you continue to enjoy the series!

**Stardancer1**: Wow, it was recommended? Spiffy! I'm glad you liked it, and I hope you continue to enjoy the story - there is a long way to go before it's done.

**Nezuko**: There is a good chance for a prequel, but I don't want to make a promise that I won't be able to keep. It depends on how much work is in the next semester. Betrayal and loyalty are running themes in this (as if you couldn't tell), and I'm curious if anyone else is as curious about the ideas as I am. Missing nin and loyalty - I think, that for a Shinobi, love would conquer all, but only because a Shinobi has to love the village most of all . . . . (mulls over some new ideas)

**Kiasca**: I'm sorry you almost cried. Okay, not really. Actually, I went: squeal! I got an emotional response! Yay! I hope Hokage's rant didn't disappoint! She kinda took over on me. . . so Iruka had to wait until today. Poor guy, got a day's reprieve from the angst . . . (maniacal snickering)

**Turtle Demon**: I'm trying to update daily, since each story/part/whatever is so short . . . thank you for reading!

**Tea**: You made more sense there than I made at work, but that really isn't that hard. . . . this series may have a happy ending, but I won't make promises. I definitely want to write a fic or two on how Kakashi and Iruka started their relationship, which is cute and spicy (if that makes sense). We'll see how it all turns out.

**Vanyelashke89**: Really? You like Tsunade? She's the character I struggle most with, though Sakura and Kakashi are close seconds. The kids (Sakura and Naruto) are hard because they're a lot older, now (18 or so) and they've outgrown a lot of their canon mannerisms, so I'm pretty sure they're all OOC. Aaargh.

**Kaoro**: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Ah, more angsty!Iruka, but with some fire back in him . . . He has the same problems with letter writing that I have.


	6. Worth Something: Regrets

Title: Worth Something

Author: Sparklehunter

Warnings: Light shounen-ai, angst

Summary: Tsunade's reconciling what she did to Iruka, Iruka's reconciling his entire life, and Naruto's reconciling his skills as a ninja.

Part: Regrets, 2/3

Author's Note: eight point six six in a series of snapshots about the aftermath of an almost-death. Sequel to _What in Means to Be/Hello and Goodbye_.

Author's Note II: Please Review! And stop in tomorrow or the next day for part three of_ Worth Something_, called _Explanations_, AKA Kakashi discovers what's going on. Oops.

* * *

**Worth Something**

**Regrets**

by sparklehunter

"_No regrets,_" thinks Naruto.

He's running, running through a forest of dead leaves and mist. The leaves go 'crnckrckrcck' if he doesn't watch his step, so he's careful, careful moving so he doesn't let his pursuers know where he is or where he's going. He's gambling that they won't pay attention to the forest floor, because Iruka said that ninja always take the high ground so they aren't surprised; it's instinctive, so use that against your enemy. He tries to use that against the enemy, now. He knows that they know how weak he is, but they don't know that he can still think, and how his survival instincts are enough to overcome a decade of training.

Naruto almost regrets all the whining he gave Jiraiya, and Kakashi, and Iruka, when they taught him about tracking and covering tracks. It's boring to learn – a lot of 'be quiet think every action through' – but he's glad they taught him. He just wishes he could be sure he's not forgetting something important. He wishes he'd paid more attention. Iruka always told him (when he was so exasperated his left eye began to twitch) that his lack of focus was going to get someone killed.

Was that lack-of-focus going to get him killed, now, like it had gotten Iruka killed (abandoned in a cell to buy Naruto time so he can escape to freedom, to fight the war Iruka can't, to protect the village and guard the vows Iruka can't)?

Iruka. . . .

He kinda hates himself for going along with the plan. He knows he hates Hokage for going along with the plan. Iruka's crippled. As in paralyzed. Iruka's useless. Useless, save for suicide missions, like switching places with a comrade to save them.

Useless, save for missions like this one.

It hurts that Iruka's such a fucking martyr.

"_No regrets_," thinks Naruto.

That's what martyr-Iruka told him, appearing like a ghost-in-chains outside his cell. The village needs you Naruto you're our best hope to win the war don't look so surprised nitwit they need you more than they need a cripple. This is my final act as a Shinobi, Naruto.

Run, Naruto, and don't look back. Get back to the village safe, get to Kakashi for me. Tell him I'm sorry.

The village needs you, Naruto, so . . .

"_No regrets_," thinks Naruto.

TBC

* * *

Review Responses:

To Everyone: Thank you for your support, and I hope you continue reading!

**Polka dot**: Well, I guess Iruka's safe, then! Although, having Kakashi throw the letter back in his face is an interesting idea . . . .

**Turtle Demon**: It's going to be a bit before Iruka actually fights someone . . . but, er, he's kinda nasty when he actually does . . . I've said repeatedly that Iruka's expendable, so he's not brilliant at fights, but he is a Shinobi and has been living with Kakashi for a while, and he is a teacher, and . . . you'll see!

**Dk-joy**: Kakashi and Iruka . . . are adorable. I happen to be a fan of spicy!Iruka (though sweet!blushing!Iruka has many good points), so Iruka's reflecting that in this fic (when he's not busy pitying himself). As for the angst . . . it's just so yummy! I think it would be hard for any soldier/assassin to tell someone they love goodbye, especially when there's been as many problems between them as Kakashi and Iruka have had. It was hard trying to put everything I wanted Iruka to say into words, because he had a lot of time to make up for in a few short words. Silly boy.

**El Gaara**: thanks!

**Chibi-akuma-no-kage**: a little angst never hurt anyone, right? Hmm, as for the ending . . . reverse psychology won't work! Honest!

**Nezuko**: Iruka's mission . . . well, it turns out worse that he'd hoped. Kakashi's reaction is next, along with a few tidbits on how Naruto is actually handling Iruka's death. Thanks for encouraging a natural ending, and not a forced happy one.


	7. Worth Something: Explanations

Title: Worth Something

Author: Sparklehunter

Warnings: Shounen-ai, angst

Summary: Tsunade's reconciling what she did to Iruka, Iruka's reconciling his entire life, and Naruto's reconciling his skills as a ninja.

Part: Explanations, 3/3

Author's Note: eight point nine nine in a series of snapshots about the aftermath of an almost-death. Sequel to _What in Means to Be/Regrets_.

Author's Note II: Please Review! And stop in tomorrow or the next day for part one of_ Breaking Symphonies_, called _Easy_, AKA Iruka is found out.

**Worth Something**

**Explanations**

by sparklehunter

"_I don't . . . need . . . your explanations . . . I don't need . . . ._" says Kakashi.

". . . I . . . don't need . . petty . . . theories. . . "

" And I don't . . . need.. . ."

". . . I don't need your apologies. . . ."

"I . . . don't need your . . . c . . . cast off weapons, or symbols that . . . that mean nothing. . . ."

". . . I don't need . . . your fucking . . . pity. . . ."

"I don't need you . . . Iruka."

He's boneless on the floor, because his knees gave out under the stress, and his eyes are wide and dry. The room's destroyed; the room he and Iruka spent their last months together is obliterated. The windows are shattered and the bed is in shreds and there are white feathers falling over every not-so-decorative weapon that litters the floor. The pictures are broken and there's blood where his knuckles met glass and the door is twisted smoking wood on the floor.

He doesn't want to believe it, refused to believe it at first, tore the apartment to tattered rags and splinters, but there's dust all over and a huge black box on the bed – or, there was a huge black box, and there was a bed, but he's torn it all apart and now he has nothing left inside him. His eyes are dry, but he cried when he read the letter, and he's silently promising, as he screams what he doesn't need, that he won't cry over Iruka.

Naruto came by, his blue gaze haunted, said he just got a clean bill of health from Sakura and he was sorry he hadn't stopped by as soon as Kakashi had arrived, and just handed Kakashi the letter. He just stared at Naruto, because he'd come back home to see how Iruka was doing – abandoned the war, left Raidoh in charge – but Iruka wasn't in their apartment and there was dust all over and Kakashi had been worried but maybe he had a mission or something – Kakashi knew Iruka could still be a ninja, that he wasn't useless, that had to be the explanation – but Naruto came and knocked. Naruto was supposed to be captured, and he'd come home because Iruka would be upset about it . . . but Naruto handed him the letter, and apologized, then left.

"_I don't . . . need . . . your explanations . . . I don't need . . . _," says Kakashi.

It comes out more like a moan or a plea than a declaration. The anger (how could Iruka be so stupid, throwing his life away like that, didn't he realize Kakashi . . . Kakashi. . . .) has drained from him, and so he lies on the floor amidst all the white feathers and tries to convince himself it's all some elaborate practical joke – Iruka had been a prankster as a child, right? It's payback for ditching him for the war, right?

"I don't need you, Iruka!"

"I don't need . . . you . . . anything . . . anything at all . . . not from you. . . . Iruka!"

Kakashi bites his tongue to keep from screaming, and claws at the floor. Hid nails splinter, the wooden floor splinters, and it hurts.

"Iruka . . . I . . . Iruka. . . ," he says, and it sounds like he's choking or dying.

"_I don't . . . need . . . your explanations . . . I don't need . . . _!" says Kakashi. But it comes out as a scream.

The End.

TBC in _Breaking Symphonies_


End file.
